It’s Time to Make Me Great Again

make_me_great_againThis election season has been a special treat. Not only do I get to see democracy in action, I’m also getting some outstanding economics lessons from a brilliant billionaire businessman who went to Wharton. (That’s right – I’ve scooped one of the most closely held secrets ever: Donald Trump did indeed go to Wharton. Take that, New York Times!)

These economics lessons, though brilliant, are also sometimes frightening. I learned from Donald that we are going to lose $505 billion to China this year. I thought trade deficits meant something else, but Donald is, as always, right. China is taking our money and our jobs, and we are losing big time. Who could possibly save us?

Donald Trump, that’s who. He’s going to set China straight with massive tariffs on all Chinese goods. For those of you a little soft on your econ, that is going to fix everything, and “we will have so much winning” if Trump is elected that I may get bored with winning. Haha – jokes on you Donald – I’ll never get bored of winning! Only losers do that.

This Time It’s Personal

So America is going to be great again, which is awesome. But all of this economics talk has revealed a major crisis in my own life. I’ve been stupidly ignoring my own trading partners, and it’s only through the lessons provided by Donald Trump that the terrifying truth has been revealed:

I have been getting my a** handed to me by one of my largest trading partners for as long as I can remember.

I’m talking about you, Wal-Mart. You sit there smiling smugly with your wide selection and low prices, but a little Trump econ has showed me the real score:

  • I paid $8,000 to Wal-Mart for goods and services in 2015
  • Wal-Mart paid me $0 for goods and services

I am losing eight thousand dollars ($8,000) to Wal-Mart every year!!!

Urgent action is needed to make me great again, but there’s not a practical way for me to impose tariffs on Wal-Mart’s goods. Thankfully, there’s another advanced trading tool with the same scalpel-like precision as an across-the-board tariff: a complete trade embargo.

So effective immediately, until this egregious annual loss is remedied, I am boycotting Wal-Mart. I can’t wait to see the fear in their eyes as they crawl, cowering, to the negotiating table with me. To borrow Trump’s own words, “I don’t have to continue to lose $8,000 as a trade deficit for the privilege of dealing with Wal-Mart.”

Some simpletons among you who didn’t go to Wharton might say I’ll pay more if I go to Kroger or Tom Thumb. You are missing the whole point, and it’s almost as if you haven’t been listening to a single thing Donald or I have been saying. If I go to other companies for my groceries and stuff, then THEY’LL have my money and my jobs. Don’t you see the trap?

There is a simpler, easier, winninger solution. I’m bringing all of these jobs back into my household. The plan is still coming together, but it is already as awesome as it is guaranteed to win and win some more:

  1. Buy a cow
  2. Figure out how to work a cow
  3. Fight HOA because I have a cow in my backyard
  4. Figure out how to make plastic and stuff
  5. Start brainstorming ideas to live without plastic and stuff
  6. Figure out toilet paper alternative (perhaps move this up to #1)
  7. Tell wife and children that we are no longer losing $8,000 to Wal-Mart every year, we are now winners, and the winning has just started. And winners don’t move out on dad, so stop packing those bags.
  8. And so on…

Go ahead – try me out. Toothbrush? No problem. Teach my sons to whittle and use hair from my dog for the bristles. Boom! Bread? We’ve got massive oak trees and will grind up acorns for flour (I can’t wait for the look of pride on my wife’s face as she works her mortar and pestle). I can do this all day long.

There are a couple of non-Wal-Mart related areas that will need attention. Little things, like I won’t have time to do any more consulting work and will no longer be paid many times my annual loss to Wal-Mart. But fair’s fair, right? My clients are suffering embarrassing, loser-like trade imbalances with me, and it’s just a matter of time before they figure out Trump econ anyway.

This Is Not About You – It’s About Me. And I’m Great!

Eventually Trump econ will trickle throughout our entire household economy. Yes, let that sink in for a bit. As you bolt up in your chair and cry in terror, “But Paul – does that mean this blog will come to an end? When you stop losing money to your internet and electricity providers, does that mean we’ll be deprived of your incredibly intermittent posts of wit and wisdom?”

Let me be very clear: that is LOSER talk.

My 8 y.o. son just made a great robot at school, OK? It’s a great, great, really great robot – you simply cannot fathom how great it is. So in no time he’ll be launching our own communications satellites and building a power plant in our backyard. And they will be great. And very inexpensive. I put my household’s workers up against anyone, OK?

So don’t worry. There is almost no limit to the possibilities when you decide that paying money to someone else is losing.

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